So often times, I feel like I'm searching for things to blog about or I talk about surface things. Lately, I've just had so much going on in my life that I just wanted to get real.
I didn't blog in December because that's where my insanity started. December 19, my husband and I got home from running an errand to find that our house was on fire. I'll be honest. I had lit our advent candles in my advent wreath and forgot about them. I had gone running that afternoon and came home and was stretching and hydrating before I took a shower and wanted to look at the pretty light the candles gave. My husband had left to pick up his son so we could go Christmas shopping. I had just gotten out of the shower when he called and told me to hurry up and get outside, so that we didn't make our dogs crazy with all the coming and going. I was rushed and didn't do my normal triple check of everything before we left. The candles had burned down, caught the wreath on fire, and then everything else that was on the table caught fire.
One of the many crazy parts was that I was about to do my segment for our AWN Holiday Show when my dear husband came shouting at me to call 911. I did, and they appeared quickly. The fire department came in and used a dry chemical to put out the fire (thankfully this means we have no water damage). The fire itself was small and contained to one room. The down side - the entire inside of our house was covered in smoke and soot. Not fun. Our upstairs bedrooms were all closed and the clothing in the closed closet doors in the closed rooms was covered as well. I am still amazed at how black everything was from a smallish fire.
A scary thing for us was that the dogs were home when all this happened - alone. My husband ran in the house, saw the smoke, shouted for me to call 911, then ran back in to get the dogs out. This part is still very raw for me. I cannot imagine what those poor doggies were thinking or feeling during all this. If something had happened to them, I don't think I'd be able to forgive myself. I know they're 'just dogs', but these 2 are my fur babies! We then had to put them in a kennel until we got temporary housing.
While in the kennel, Harry (our 3 year old Blue Heeler) started to gnaw on his tail out of anxiety. It ended up with sores that got infected. I took him to the vet and he got some medicine and the cone of shame. Thankfully that's cleared up. Neither Harry or Lizzy (our Catahoula mix doggie) have quite adjusted to this apartment life. For that fact, neither have I.
DH is at a military school and I am not comfortable being in a place that's not my house. The dogs are definitely stressed. I came home from teaching yesterday to see that Lizzy had gotten sick in her crate - all over her dog bed and then it was pushing out of the crate and onto the carpet. Why is it my wonderful husband always gets to miss the messes and I have to clean them up?
Not only am I dealing with a sick dog (who is staying overnight tonight with the vet) and an anxious dog, but it's been left to me to make any decisions on the house that come up while DH is at his school. A few weeks ago, before DH left, we had to pick out paint colors. Then last week, we had to discuss cabinets and light fixtures/ceiling fans. Tomorrow I have to pick out carpeting/flooring.
I hope no one else ever has to deal with this. I understand that this could have been so much worse than it was. This is stressful enough. I really just want to be back in my own house. Until then, we have many decisions to make regarding the house. The insurance company is writing off ALL of our books, movies, CDs, Wii Games, my music books that I accumulated through college, etc. We just got the unsalvageable list from them with the values. We have to get new mattresses and box springs, a new couch, a new dining room set, a new piano, some new bedding, new kitchen stuff (they just bundled that, so I'm not even sure what all that means), etc. All I can really say is that THIS SUCKS!
I have been doing my best to keep a positive attitude through out all of this. I am super stressed. We have so much going on with DH's Army stuff in the next few months that is adding to the stress. I just hope that we can be back into our house before he has to leave again. As I sit here and think about all of this crap going on, I have to be thankful that our house didn't catch fire while DH was deployed. I have to remember that my wonderful Army Wife friends who are active duty have to deal with this kind of crap more than I do. I am having a hard time forgiving myself for the fire to begin with = which is driving my husband up a wall. Sometimes I wish my thoughts and emotions could operate like his - but they don't.
I am in the habit where I just naturally seem to apologize for everything. This makes my husband angry, because I am often apologizing for things I cannot control or things that aren't my fault. I've been this way ever since I can remember. Growing up, I didn't have the greatest of childhoods and had to apologize for everything whether or not it was my fault (that's another blog for another day). It's become a natural reaction. Right now, I am drained emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, etc. I'm depressed. I have no energy and am not coping well. Though if you come up to me and ask how I'm doing, my response is that I'm hanging in there and taking it all one step at a time. That's true, but that's the surface of it all. I am to the point of calling to get an appointment with a therapist. I am not sure I can deal with much more before I really lose it. I cry for no real apparent reason, have a short temper, and just want to stay in bed and sleep all the time. I really just want to crawl under a rock and hide until everything is over and life can go back to normal - but when will that be?
I've struggled with depression in the past - actually for probably half of my life. I've been through some serious events and was diagnosed with PTSD before it became associated with war and combat. In the past I was medicated for anxiety and depression. I still have frequent anxiety attacks. They come out of nowhere. I'll be laying in bed at night and all of a sudden feel tense, tight, and have an anxiety stomach ache. Sometimes I'll be going about my business through the day and randomly get the chest pains that are anxiety attacks. I've dealt with this for so long that it's normal to me. I don't take meds for it anymore either. I've learned to ask for help. It's ok. The Army has so many resources for us. I take advantage of them as I need to. I'm to the point of using them again.
I know that this crazy life we live as Army spouses can really get to us. I see where they are preaching about soldier suicide rates. What about the spouses? My hopes in writing this blog is that maybe someone will have those feelings of despair and thoughts of suicide will read this and realize they are not alone. I've been there. I still have to fight the internal battle where sometimes I think my husband would be better off if I weren't around. Sometimes I still think about driving my car off a bridge, and I have to FIGHT with myself to make myself see that's not the answer. Please realize that there is help out there. This life we live as spouses is NOT easy. I hate when my mother tells me that I knew what I was getting into when I married my soldier. Then again, she doesn't understand. She's not married to a soldier. As spouses we need to lean on each other and support each other. If there's not someone you know that you can talk to, don't be afraid to ask for help. Keep it real.
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