WNFY?

WNFY? Nope, not the call sign to your local radio station, unless you live in Palatka, FL.

No—nothing to do with Ms. Winfrey either, although we are fans.
(When I googled “WNFY,” it was suggested that maybe I spelled her name wrong.)

Using a parenting skill I have learned well, I sometimes answer questions with questions.
So, “WNFY?” is my new question back to the person who asks the question, “What is normal?”

“What is normal for you?” I ask. You, your family, your community, etc.

Normal—Most everybody wants to know they’re normal. They also want to be an individual, but still within “social norms.” It’s human nature perhaps, to stand out but not too much. So, when you’re new to a lifestyle, whether that is transitioning from single to married life, from child-free to child-rearing life, or civilian to military life, it’s normal to look around to assess “the standard of living.” That makes sense.

What doesn’t make sense is to arrive at “normal” and think you’ve made it. Shoot, especially in military life. We’re transient people, perpetually in the “forming stage” of group development (family, units, spouse clubs), and don’t forget “deployable.” Sometimes I think “normal” is a moving target.

The New Normal—Maybe through the various classes out there you all have figured that out.

I don’t know why, but I assumed when the phrase “the new normal” was introduced a fair bit ago, I thought people were being taught to make that “one key adjustment.” I thought they were being brought around to recognize that there was an old way and a new way, and one new way fits all. I began to joke that finding the new normal is like “free beer tomorrow.” It never came for us.

In part, that is true. In the sense that people look for a broad stroke solution to fit the big picture of deployment, redeployment, PCSing or other milestones, there just isn’t one way, one new normal. That’s what I was looking for: “A,” singular. One. New. Normal. But that’s not what I’ve arrived at.

Normal for you—The new normal is always new, always evolving, always renewing. It’s not just one way for deployment and one way for redeployment. It’s different each time. We’re not crazy; it IS a moving target. Let me give you a for instance or five of them actually.

• My first deployment characteristics: I was a soldier. A deployed mother of a toddler.

• My second deployment characteristics: I was a soldier. The one left behind with a toddler. It was my first, second deployment.

• My third deployment characteristics: I was a civilian working for DA full-time. My son was a grade-schooler, and I was pregnant and going to school. It was my first, third deployment.

• My fourth deployment characteristics: I was jobless in a new town. My grade schooler was a big brother, and it was my first, fourth deployment.

• On my first, fifth deployment: I was working from home. My toddler was now a teenage boy. And just when things seemed to fitting the Iraq version of normal, my husband was deployed to Afghanistan.

It took me a long time to realize why strategies I employed the first deployment didn’t work for my first, fourth deployment or my first, fifth deployment. I had to break it down and see that one deployment normal doesn’t fit all. Only in hindsight, did I see that even though it was beginning to be normal for my husband to be deployed, every situation was different. That meant calling upon different strategies.

I talk about this a lot when Tara and I speak for our Field Exercises, and it always flips a light switch for someone. What I’m talking about is “playing the professional” and is aptly described in my favorite deployment guidebook, Separated by Duty, United in Love by Shellie Vandevoorde.

Our military life “normal” is not routine. It’s not predictable. It’s not average. That’s what’s normal for us. It’s a perfect example of how the more things change, the more they stay the same. And even though it’s your fifth deployment, it’s still your “first” fifth deployment, and with it you’ll find yet another new normal.

Just brace yourself, and remember even though you feel like a professional, like you have deja vu, you really haven't been in this exact spot before and a little continuing education can't hurt.
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“normal” posts from our Loving A Soldier archives:
Finding New Normal
Wireless
A Good Day