How Do I Get Through This?

I met with a friend the other day for lunch and we both came to a conclusion. Although it's only August, we are ready for 2011 to be over.

Let me start with the fact that I, essentially, lost my job as a music teacher because of funding and the voters in the district where I worked voted against the tax levy. Now the students in this rather large district are suffering. There is no elementary music, art, gym, or library. There is no gifted or talented program. They will have a state minimum school day of 5.5 hours and state minimum bus service (you only get to ride the bus if you live more than 2 miles from your assigned school). The buildings will lock down 30 minutes after dismissal - so no extra curriculars or after school care program. The list goes on and on. The district had no more money and had to make some HUGE cuts - including 80 teachers. With the way schools are funded in Ohio, teachers like me are having a hard time getting a job. I applied for all the schools that had openings for music teachers that I saw or heard about. Out of all the applications and resumes I sent, I got one - just ONE - interview. A week and a half after the interview, I got a letter in the mail that said I wasn't the one they hired. It's been very disheartening. I've struggled all summer long with trying to figure out what I was supposed to do. Do I go back and get a 2nd degree in regular elementary education or in vocal performance? Do I push on towards my Masters? What am I supposed to do? I hate having to rely on just my husband's income. It bothers me deep down. Especially because things are tight. We're feeling the pinch.

To add to the insanity, we knew that by December I would need a new car - we were beating a dead horse (or hamsters in the case of my car). I had a '98 Chevy Metro that had hamsters instead of an engine (it was just a 3 cylinder engine). I was on my way to meet with some lovelies from Fort Knox when my car just died. My little hamsters gave up the ghost - they were too tired. THANKFULLY, my BFF and her husband live in Louisville and were able to come to my rescue. That particular day, my hubby was on Fort Knox at the rifle range and unable to get to me. This happened 2 weeks ago.

Several days before my Louisville/Fort Knox adventure, I had my 29th birthday (I just turned 29 for the first time). My DH and I spent a good chunk of my birthday in a funeral home. One of the soldiers in his company lost his dad that week. The deceased lost his life while doing motorcycle cop duties at a funeral when he got hit by the hearse as they were entering the cemetery. I know that sounds crazy - but it was SO tragic. Our soldier's dad was also a prior service soldier and a retired cop who worked for a local university and did motorcycle funeral detail in his retirement. It was so sad. As we were waiting in line at the visitation, I heard my name. I turned around and saw that it was a girl I went to college with. Apparently, her dad and our soldier's dad were brothers - and her dad passed away 3 months prior (to the day) that our soldier's dad passed away. SO tragic! It all just kind of put a damper on celebrating my birthday - which I like to celebrate. After we went through the visitation, we did go out to dinner to a restaurant where they had singing servers (this was my cup of tea) and then at my request, we went to see The Help.

Fast Forward to last week. We had to drive back to Louisville to take care of the logistics of my dead car while at the same time look for a new car in a hurry. I found a place that would tow my car to their salvage yard for free and offered me a lot more money to scrap it than the other salvage yards in the area. YAY! We also searched Craig's List for cars in addition to dealer websites and other classifieds. I ended up getting a 1996 VW Jetta that was advertised on Craig's List for $2K. We paid $1700 for it. The nice thing was that we were able to pay cash and not have a car payment. The little car only has 107K miles on it.

During all this excitement, I got a phone call - and not a good one. A very dear friend of mine, who had been fighting breast cancer (specifically, Inflammatory Breast Cancer) passed away at the age of 41. She had fought for over 2 years with this disease and left behind a husband and 2 children, ages 8 and 4. It's been over a week now and I am still processing all of this. WHY did such a beautiful person, inside and out, who gave so much of herself to everyone have to die at such a young age while her children are still babies? I am angry and confused and bitter and sad and a bunch of other emotions. I met Ashley online almost 2 years ago. There's a local moms website that we're both members of. I had woken up one morning and found a large red, warm, tender lump on my breast. I had called my doc and he prescribed me an antibiotic over the phone - brushing it off as a breast infection. Well, after a week, it was still there and it hurt like hell. I ended up going to see my regular doctor because I had come down with the flu at the same time. While I was in his office, he examined the lump and scheduled a mammogram and an ultrasound. This was when I started to get scared. After finding out that these same symptoms are also the symptoms of Inflammatory Breast Cancer, I freaked out. I went online to the moms site and posted a question. A mutual friend of Ashley's and mine virtually introduced us. Ashley was supportive when the radiologist refused to do the mammo becuase I was just 27 at the time - even though my doc had ordered it. She referred me to some great resources and was just a rock while I was going through this. After seeing a breast surgeon and all, it turned out that I had a SUPER nasty breast infection that took several different antibiotics to kill. Ashley celebrated with me when we found out that I didn't have IBC. All this while she was fighting. You can read Ashley's blog here and follow her from the start of her fight to the end. She was a beautiful person who meant so much to so many. The church was full and overflowing for her visitation and funeral. The number of people that were at her celebration of life party was just astounding. I am proud that I could call Ashley my friend. My life is better because of her. Now I grieve for the loss of my friend, for the children whose mom won't be there when they go on their first dates, graduate from high school and college, when they get married,etc. I grieve for her husband who lost his best friend and love of his life. I grieve for her parents and step-parents who were by her side the whole way. My heart aches so badly that I can't stand it.

The school year has started and I've gone back to being a substitute teacher. I've already subbed a few days. While I was working, I saw some flyers at the district where I did my student teaching. One of my students from my student teaching, who is now 10 years old, has been diagnosed with ALL Leukemia. I FREAKING HATE CANCER! When I was 10, I lost my best friend to a cancerous brain tumor. Most of my family members that have passed away have died from cancer (or old age, but mostly cancer). I hate it. I pisses me off. I can't watch the St. Jude commercials, because I sit there and sob. I hate that organizations take people's money to raise awareness about cancer. We don't need to be made aware - we know it's there. What we need are organizations that give money to research cures and preventive measures. The research is what needs the money.

I have had a rough summer and couple weeks. There are many days that I find myself asking "How do I get through this?" Thankfully, I have the BEST friends and family a person could ask for. I have people that I can visit so that I can just cry. I also have my faith. I'm learning that it's ok to be angry and to ask God questions in anger - because He loves me no matter what. I'm still struggling with my place in the world. I am human. I am just ready for 2011 to go away and for 2012 to be here. I am tired. I am physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally drained. I just want to take my iPod, some books, and beach clothes and hide on a beach for at least a weekend, if not a month. I want to escape life for awhile. I am in need of some major positives to happen in my life right now. After all, I will get through all of this - some way, somehow.