Army Wife Life (AWL) Terms and Conditions

I played with the title of this post: everything from "The Good Army Wife" to "What Don't You Know?"
or "It Bears Repeating."

~ the Good being a qualitative descriptor for an Army wife who knows her "place" in the Army family, is aware of her rights and responsibilities, and knows and accepts the "terms and conditions" of this Army Wife Life. Much like when author Michael Schudson refers to The Good Citizen he is talking about a citizen with the right characteristics and practices even while being quite non-conclusive as to exactly what they are. But we know them when we see them and we know when someone is completely off the mark.

~ What don't you know? was the web link label for Newsweek's citizen sample test whose results we discussed on Monday's (3/28/2011) Army Wife Talk Radio show. Of 1,000 random U.S. citizens:

29% percent couldn’t name the vice president
73% couldn’t correctly say why we fought the Cold War
44% were unable to define the Bill of Rights
6% couldn’t circle Independence Day on a calendar

The results got me thinking. Not so much about citizenship but about how sometimes as leaders we assume everyone knows what we know. And message sent = message received of "if we've said it once, we've said it 1,000 times (and it must have been heard 1,000 times)." No matter how you slice it, those things are not true. Many things warrant an outline, a cheat-sheet, and often bear repeating.

As a seasoned Army wife, I repeat myself a lot to new Army wives, my family-without-a-clue, and sometimes to spouses who all of a sudden need the Cliffs notes because they think they remember hearing this that or the other and now for whatever reason they need a refresher or Readers' Digest version. Let me back-up and say two things: I have never publicly declared myself as a seasoned Army wife (I must be feeling rather salty right now) and I have never been impatient with saying something 1,000 times. If it helps a spouse out, I'm happy to oblige. It's one of those responsibilities I eluded to earlier and I'm lucky it's my passion.

So, here are those good-to-know Army wife things. If they're obvious to you, you're lucky, make sure you're sharing your knowledge and helping spouses out who just don't know what they don't know.

Army Wife Life Terms and Conditions (according to Star):

10. Military IDs (Identification and Privilege Cards) can be issued at any military installation
Your ID card is your proof of citizenship in the military community. A trip to get yours could be likened to the fabled trips to the DMV. You need many forms of identification and your soldier has to vouch for you, but if you realize the numerous benefits and privileges it unlocks for you, you will be diligent in keeping it safe and up to date. As a National Guard wife, I have gone to some pretty obscure locations to take care of this task. You don't have to go to an Army fort if you're an Army wife and installation policies and hours vary. I continually refer spouses to the RAPIDS (Real-Time Automated Personnel Identification System) site locator and tell spouses to call ahead to the location they're going to to to get all their questions answered before they attempt the process.

9. Military wives' rank is CIV for civilian
You're not the same civilian you used to be; with ID in hand, you are a member of the military community. But the rank on that ID belongs to your sponsor not you. The level of responsibility and sphere of influence associated with that rank is due to your sponsor. You gain influence by continually showing up (not showing out), treating others how you want to be treated, and putting in the time. You can definitely adopt the Household 6 call sign (HH6), but taking things any further than that usually don't go over very well and are in pretty poor taste.

8. Hurry-up and wait can be a good thing
You will always hurry to get paperwork turned in on time; for schools, promotions, passes and leave, housing, personnel actions, and so forth. You may have to hurry up to the unit to take something your husband has forgotten. And hurrying is usually associated with getting to meetings on time too, only to find out you have to wait for the right people to get there to address you. You'll definitely have to wait for the aforementioned paperwork to be reviewed, staffed, and forwarded up the chain. Knowing the delays are usually not personal helps. Being familiar with the process and asking questions helps make the wait easier to endure too.

I like the waiting. The lull. Use the time to anticipate the next situation you'll have to hurry for and get ready. Always bring a good book or your smart phone for those various periods of waiting. And remember your smile--you never know who you'll befriend while waiting in line, in the bleachers, or in the ER.

7. You serve too
According to a recent Military Family Lifestyle survey conducted by Blue Star Families, “Sixty-eight percent of survey participants [military families] volunteer.” This compared to a national average of just under twenty-seven percent, the highest since 2005. Helping one another is a Family trait; a skill-set, a survival technique if you will. We help each other as a way to pay it forward of course, but also to act out our gratitude. We know what has been given and what can be taken away. Find your gift and use it. It makes the time go by faster and keeps you connected whether you've been at a post a long while or you're just getting warmed up.

6. "I Hate the Army Days" happen You probably had an IHTAD just the other day. Maybe it was because you had to wait for something too long, again. Guaranteed, they're going to happen. When you're in the midst, I want you to remember some advice I have given 1,000 times.

"Remember to maintain perspective. Sometimes it is you and your soldier against ‘fill-in-the-blank’, but it should never be you against your soldier."

Also remember, I hate working-at-home days exist. I hate working at Widget HQ or fill-in-the-blank for any office and organization days exist too. There are just as many or more good days and 1001 Things to Love About Military Life. (We are soooo looking forward to blogging about a lot of those reasons in the coming months and years to help you through those once-in-a-blue moon IHTADs.)

5. Military Spouse Residency Relief Act and Military Family and Medical Leave Act
I mentioned about "rights and responsibilities". As a military family member/spouse, your rights are enlarging beyond the simple tolerance once held for spouses. MSRRA and the military provisions in the Family and Medical Leave Act are a couple important developments in my book. Great groups like AUSA, Blue Star Families, and the National Military Family Association are worth checking into and supporting. They are a few voices on Capitol Hill looking out for military families interests and concerns.

4. It takes one to know one
No one gets me or my life like a military spouse. It could be one I just met, but we have similar war stories and things we just couldn't make up. I don't make friends easily, but having that one thing in common crosses many bridges and makes it easier at each duty station. I find I really enjoy books by military spouses for military spouses too. I have learned a ton from those who walk ahead and beside me. For each spouse conference I've participated in, there is something I learn and take away from newbies and seasoned spouses alike. This is the biggest thing that I think Guard and Reserve spouses don't get often enough, a community of spouses just like them. If you're far from post, I recommend books and a battle buddy, more than one if you can manage.

3. "They" are all human
You will deal with "they" sometime in your military life. "They told me I had to be there with bells on." or "They told me they couldn't help me and treated us unfairly."

Some of the best advice I ever received was from SimplyPutTogether's Maria Murphy. In one newsletter she said that we should practice making excuses. Not for ourselves, but for other people. Perhaps "they have a killer headache" or "they just got their butt handed to them from their boss." We'd like to think that's not our problem and that we deserve better service. And we do. But if we're honest with ourselves, bad days affect our moods and how we deal with our neighbors, our families, and our kids too. We should really understand how hard it is to separate our mood from our behavior. We're only human and so are "they." Try making excuses next time and maybe you can both turn some negative into a positive.

2. Your husband is your Sponsor (ok--your Hero even) but not your Savior
Knowing this has gotten me through some tough spots in our separations. I find myself "just waiting" for him to come home. I forget to stay busy and that I'm my own person with my own hopes and dreams for me as  a person and for me as a wife. But being a waiting wife/husband is only part of the equation. If you keep busy, you'll have something to talk about on the phone. Otherwise, it's the same 'ol vulture bird talking to the other vulture bird, killing time--- "What do you want to talk about?" "I don't know. What do you want to talk about?" "Now don't start that again" routine.

My husband loves it when I tell him the new things I tried. How I went and had a "me" day. Or what I learned about myself. It lets him know I'm ok. If you ask him, he wants to be his own person too. Not sure about your spouse, but mine never claimed to be the knight on a white horse or enough to be my "be-all-end-all." If he's "my everything", then what is left for himself. Something to ponder.

1. You are not alone
One of the most frequent comments Tara and I receive on the road with our Field Exercises is that after the event, spouses feel they are "not alone." They are normal. It's sad they don't feel that before the conferences or forget somewhere along the line. Truth is that there are more than 1,000,000 military spouses. You may not have one living next door, but you can find them online or on post. You'll bond with some and pass by others, but there is someone out there who "gets your life." Our dear friends Kathie and Holly of Help! I'm a Military Spouse--I Get a Life Too!: How to Craft a Life for You As You Move With the Military, Second Edition say at their conferences, If you were meant to do this life alone, you would have been put on this earth alone." Thank goodness we aren't. It's amazing who you can find and how many friends you can find, if you just put yourself out there. Someone as "normal as you" is out there, just for you, to help with this military life.

So, those are the lessons I've learned that I continue to pass on. They bear repeating. You can pass them on too!

By the way, on the Newsweek citizenship sample test, I got a 70%. Not too happy about that. Maybe it's something I can brush up on the next time I am waiting on paperwork or my soldier to return.