There are a lot of jokes out there about Mothers in Law, some deserved and some not, but I do know that there can be friction on both sides of this fence...and the fence runs right through a number of lives!
This topic came up about a year ago, when I was writing to a young Navy wife, and telling her that my son was coming home from Iraq and I could not wait hug him. She then told me that moms should not be there, and then gave me quite a lot to think over, when she told me how her mother in law had truly caused some serious marital tension.
One time while visiting my son's post on the East Coast (to remain nameless) I was picking my granddaughter up at the bus and was listening to two young mother bash their mother-in-law, and honestly saying that they were hated by her. Well, I was thinking...is this common? Do the M.I.L.'s of these young ladies really feel that way, or are they mistaken, and misreading the older women? So if you want to share, here are a couple of questions.No doubt some of the answers will depend upon the relationship you have, but in general:
In regard to reunion and reintegration, what are your feelings about your soldiers mother? What role does she have, and how do you communicate that to her? Did it work out?
If you have something you think could be healing for other families, please feel free to post and not stick with the question!
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4 comments:
My mother-in-law and I, our relationship is definitely not normal. I worked with her before I ever met my husband, they don't get along well, but we do. When my husband graduated from basic, we traveled together to the ceremony (4 hour drive), shared a hotel room, and even did some tourism things on the way home.
My husband's mother spent less than 3 hours with him a few days before his deployment. She lives 2hours away from us. She was on the planning committee for a yearly event at their church and had to hurry home for one of their meetings because it was more important than spending time with her son before he left for a year to a war zone.
I think that my mother in law has used my husband's deployment as a way to attract attention to herself, trust me on this one:) She has never shown any interest in his career and if you asked her what he does in the military or what rank he is, she wouldn't know.
Do I think she has a role during reunion and reintergration? My answer based on her actions before and during my husband's deployment would have me answering "no, she does not." She has not earned her "right" to it.
Fortunately for her, I love and respect my husband. Even though he doesn't care one way or the other, I will send her his flight information and she will be welcome to join us at the airport. As to communicating with her, I have finally come to understand what my husband has been trying to tell me for the last 19 years. "It doesn't do any good because she is going to do what she wants anyway, regardless of what you say and by saying anything, you only will make things worse". Yep, she manipulates people and has certainly developed the fine art of doing it :)
My advice to you as a wife is to look at what would make your husband happy and the situation less stressful for him. My other piece of advice is if your husband is flying back commercially, ask the airline he is booked on for a gate pass to greet him there instead of when he clears TSA. That way you have time for your homecoming moments and then when you are ready, go out and face the other family members and friends. Mothers you should only do this if your son does not have a significant other. I would suggest that you tell your husband or son if you plan on doing this. They may need a moment to compose themselves before seeing family :)
To all the mothers reading this, my advice to you is to ask your daughter in law how she feels about the situation. Also, respect your son's wife for the role that she plays in his life. She is willing to pack up and move away from family and friends at a moments notice because of the love she has for your son. Respect your son enough to care how his family feels during this time.
My mother in law and I didn't always see eye to eye...and we still don't on some things but I think we now agree to disagree. I know that I would love to have her and my father-in-law there when he gets off the bus. It will make his homecoming that much more special.....I know for some people it may cause more stress than is needed....So I think it is different for everyone. Not all families are the same....
In regard to reunion and reintegration, what are your feelings about your soldiers mother?
I LOVE my MIL! When DH came home from deployment, I wanter her AND my FIL there - as did DH. His dad is a retired Army officer who was in Vietnam, so my MIL knows everything I feel. She and I talked a lot during DH's deployment and I was more than happy to have her and FIL there at the reunion - as long as I got to kiss DH first (which of course they had no issue with). I feel SO lucky that I have amazing in-laws that I get along with so well. While DH was deployed, I would go to mass with his parents - even though I'm not Catholic. I just wanted to be close to his family.
What role does she have, and how do you communicate that to her? Did it work out?
She's my husband's mom. Thankfully DH isn't a "momma's boy". There are times when he and I are out and about and I say - Hey let's stop at your parents. We really haven't needed to communicate it and we all get along well. The way our relationship works is just right! I wouldn't change it.
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