An Overwhelming Discovery: Part 2

An Overwhelming Discovery: Part 2
Tara Crooks | published on military.com on October 27, 2006

Excerpt from An Overwhelming Discovery, Part 1

I recently attended a workshop called “Follow Your Dreams While you Follow the Military” held by authors Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer, both military spouses. In this workshop Kathie and Holly teach that 42 percent of your happiness is your attitude toward life. Improving your attitude is done by improving your thoughts and actions. Negativity is so much more powerful than positivity, so you have to genuinely work on becoming a more positive person.

After this workshop I had a discussion with my business partner Star Henderson. I told her how I would love to live this 42 percent rule right now but I still find myself overwhelmed with all that military life throws my way. I have always been a positive person but it’s so hard to put forth that effort all the time with so many things going on. Star threw a different percentage my way. She asked me “Tara, do you know that 92 percent is still an A?”

So how do you make these percentages work for you? There is a quote called the “Serenity Prayer” that says. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” No matter what your religion or beliefs, that is good advice. When faced with being overwhelmed, stressed, or frustrated you have two options: change it or cope with it.

Below are some strategies for you to exercise those options:

Recognize what you are feeling. Do you feel powerless and out of control? Do you feel like you have too many things to do? You don’t know where to start? One of the biggest challenges that we have is recognizing this and figuring out how to cope instead of continuing down into a negative spiral, complicating the situation even more.

Get specific about what is overwhelming you — write a list about what you’re feel is out of control. Is it a move, deployment, kids, household chores, work?

Develop coping strategies. Some of the things I list below can help, but realize you might have to take the time to research and ask for some help.

Discuss and talk about your feelings with others. Finding a friend that is a positive force can make all the difference. Tell them you need help and then vent — ask them for some suggestions for solutions. Be careful not to pull them down into your spiral with you. Also, let them know you are looking for a resolution.
I have discovered some tips that will help you take some time for yourself and function with a better outlook and a lot less stress. Here are some simple suggestions that will help you craft a more positive environment.

Write down everything you have to do. Circle the things you do not want to do. Go back and cross out those things you do not want to do that you do not have to do.

Schedule your time. This is half the battle. Most spouses live without a schedule and don’t realize where their time is being spent.

Define your values. What is most important to you? Family? Friends? Volunteering? Work? From what do you receive the most personal reward
Highlight those things that are in line with your values, cross out those things that are not.

Start a grateful journal. Each night write down the things you are grateful for. This is great exercise for children as well.

Take time to play a game, sit outdoors, and spend time with friends. Schedule that time if you have to, but make it happen.

Turn off your phone. Conveniently misplace your cell phone, turn off the ringer on your home phone. Take a day with no “rings.” It’s ok to do once and awhile. This works well with all electronics.

Make someone else’s day. Ironically, making others happy can really improve your outlook. Spend one day making an effort to say nothing but fun, inspiring, positive things to others and see what happens to your day.

Take a break. If you are at work don’t feel guilty for taking a short “me” break. Have lunch and read the paper. Go out with your co-workers to a nice restaurant.
Get a massage or treat yourself to a pedicure or manicure.

Exercise. This doesn’t mean you have to start a new exercise regimen, for some that can be stressful enough by itself. It means you can take a walk, or go for a swim.

Laugh. This is the best medicine. When in doubt, pop in a funny movie, or a watch good stand-up comedian. At my house, we take a minute to play with our dogs and laugh at the funny things they do.

Remember, these aren’t things you’ll remember to do unless you constantly strive and put forth a genuine effort to do them. It’s all too easy to forget and end up right back where you started. Post little highly visible reminders around the house. Take a moment out of each day and your hardest to live by 42 percent and 92 percent and you'll be a more positive, more relaxed, and more effective person.

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An Overwhelming Discovery, Part 1

An Overwhelming Discovery, Part 1
Tara Crooks | Published at military.com on October 16, 2006

Have you felt overwhelmed lately? I have. I am sure you have noticed in your “Army Wife Life” that things can become a bit harried especially when we deal with everyday military life and deployments.

Military spouses are as active as ever, and it’s not just military life harries us. It’s the normal every day things: taking care of the children, working a full- or part-time job, feeding the dogs, mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, paying the bills … need I say more? You’re out there trying to balance your life, your work, your family, your volunteer service, and everything else under the sun.

I am sure by this point you’ve realized I must have been writing the above from experience. That was me. That is me. I was overwhelmed. I recently attended a workshop called “Follow Your Dreams While You Follow the Military,” held by authors Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer, both military spouses. In this workshop Kathie and Holly say that 42 percent of your happiness is your attitude toward life. Improving your attitude is done by improving your thoughts and actions. Negativity is so much more powerful than positivity, so you have to genuinely work on becoming a more positive person. I quickly wrote down the 42 percent rule.

After this workshop I was having a discussion with my business partner Star Henderson, telling her how I want to live this 42 percent rule right now but I still find myself overwhelmed with all that military life throws my way. I have always been a positive person but it’s so hard to put forth that effort all the time. Star threw a different percentage my way. She asked me “Tara, do you know that 92 percent is still an A?” Being the goal oriented person I was she knew this was exactly what I needed to hear.

I give 110 percent in everything I do. I didn’t know how to accept any less from myself. In Army life not expecting that much from others was also quite a frustration. That frustration led to overwhelming myself, since no one else could give me that 110 percent I decided I’d just do it all myself.

I found myself feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. Coupled with facing another deployment, those feelings led me to become a negative person. I was in a downward spiral. I started asking myself questions: How could I mentor others to be positive if I felt so negative myself? How can I lead people through a life with which I am so frustrated? Who am I? I don't even feel like myself. Then it occurred to me that I was what I always said I was, just like each of you, a military spouse. This isn't anything that a military spouse hasn’t gone through before. The only people who can validate and understand our feelings are those that have been there. And I was doing just that, learning how to tell you “I was there" and survived. So I decided to pick myself up out of the negative spiral and inch my way back to a place where my head was above water. I reached out to others, learned from their experiences, and pocketed tidbits of information I was able to put into action.

Through these experiences and actions some things have evolved. I was able to clear off my plate by letting go of things that weren’t things I had to do. I was able to look under a microscope at projects and realize what details could be left and which ones had to stay. I was able to ask myself the tough questions of what is really important to me. I aligned my schedule to become more in touch with my values and my dreams. I had to make some tough choices, letting go of some things that I had previously held on to. I had to learn to say “no.” I had to also learn to realize that when others said “no” it wasn’t always because they didn’t want to, but because they had to. On the side of being a positive person, I try each day to realize how lucky I am that to be able to choose my favorite things to do. I am blessed to be able to be so involved, needed, and depended upon.

In the end, I have learned to live in the percentages. Is it work? You bet! Being the best you can be doesn’t always mean that you have to function on high speed 110 percent of the time. Granted, I’ll never be one to completely slow down. My standards are still considered high. I still have those moments when I wonder how I’ll ever be able to pull myself into the 42 percent bracket and be positive about the situation. We’re all going to have those moments, nothing is ever perfect, but like Star says, 92 percent is still an A!

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Recipe for a Good Military Spouse

Recipe for a Good Military Spouse
Tara Crooks | Published at Military.com on August 23, 2006

I recently came across this really good recipe for a military wife.

1 1/2 cups patience
1 lb. adaptability
3/4 cup tolerance
1 tsp. courage
Dash of adventure

Combine the above ingredients. Add 2 tablespoons of elbow grease. Marinate frequently with salty tears. Pour off excess fat. Sprinkle lightly with money. Season the mixture with international spices. "Knead" the dough until payday. Bake 20 years, or until done.

I decided I was going to make one of these “military wives” if it killed me. I’d heard about how good they were. I have the recipe. So what if there is no picture of the final product. I can cook, right?

Interestingly enough, shopping for these items at your local grocery store is not as easy as finding the recipe. It is not as if there is a big sign that boasts “tolerance on aisle six."

My local drugstore doesn’t even carry “courage,” I’ve checked.

I headed out to the commissary hoping to purchase a “dash of adventure” only to find they were completely dumbfounded at my request.

I found that “patience” is just way too hard to come by. I used up most of what I had on my children.

I was able to find international spices on eBay, but the shipping was horrendous. This is why it was so hard for me to fulfill the next step of “sprinkling lightly with money.” Very hard to do when you’re all out.

The only grease I could find was on my stovetop from the bacon I cooked on Sunday.

Did I not possess the skill to prepare this meal? Perhaps it was just chef error. I’ll admit, the only way I knew how to marinate was in a large batch of margaritas. I save the tears for the rim of the glass.

Unfortunately, my scale has never shown any fat has been pouring off from any part of my body. (Perhaps a result of marinating?) I have a hard time relating to that part of the instructions.

So there I sat feeling completely defeated. My recipe just wasn’t working out.
“Oh well”, I thought, “I’ll adapt.”

Do you think I could find one in the frozen section?

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Where have "I" been?

Good question. Whew it's like a whirlwind around here. I've been busy. I have to admit that I was having one of those "what will I post to the blog that isn't negative" moments. I think you know what I mean. I had found myself in a negative downward spiral...eeks! Everyone's problems becoming my own problems, and things piling up. I couldn't get a handle on the show, my volunteer work, family, and all the activities and "busy busy" going on around here. Then to top things off Kevin got deployment orders for January. There is one thing you can count on -- CHANGE an DEPLOYMENTS!!

But, don't despair, I recovered and I made it through! I learned alot about myself in the last few months. Trust me it wasn't all things I wanted to know! Anyway I am going to post for you an article I wrote for Military.com and it will "enlighten" you to how some of the last few weeks have gone.
Remember no matter what, we all go through things for a reason. Perhaps I was to go through this because I woudl share my experiences with each of you. Hang in there!

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